“Just like in secret garden, I feel like there’s a whole universe in me, if you were just to stare down my throat. Yet, in my case, it isn’t a metaphor for how unique I am. This universe is more of a black hole, a vacuum that threatens to suck me into oblivion. I feel it slowly pulling me into a never-ending spiral of sadness; the emotions are overwhelming me and sucking me deeper and deeper. I feel so full and empty, so conflicted and lost. So many thoughts, still so clueless about what’s going on in me.
The worst is knowing that I’m just Satan’s puppet, where these are all his, and he’s controlling me. The helplessness juxtaposed against the ownership of these emotions due to familiarity tears me apart. The universe of His Joy and Peace disintegrating, causing a sense of nothingness and worthlessness.”
That was how I was feeling on Wednesday the 11th of July. I struggled, I groaned, I wrestled and crumpled. Yet, my God proved gracious and good. He came for me with outstretched arms, my silver lining behind dark clouds. Even on an unlucky day, He proved Himself bigger than all things! On Friday the 13th we started out with a prayer for heightened expectations in meeting God. In my desperation to reestablish my shaky relationship, I gave my all in prayer and in faith.
He came through for me that night. He told me two things:
1) I don’t have to be perfect before coming to Him. I should focus on going to God NOW and aim to be more Christ-like, with God helping me every step of the way. When I understood this, I felt God saying ‘Finally, you get it!’
2) To not live for myself, for what’s the point and what is to be gained for the Kingdom if I’m changing in some ways but feel pride in it and therefore the whole growth backfires? Instead, I ought to live for God and to grow to be more like God, to focus on growing with the intention of serving more!!! The main focus and purpose is His Kingdom and to serve His plans, not myself and what I want. To be God-centered and not self-centered!!
I thought these two points were amazing. They taught me that I should be dependent on God and not self-sufficient, for that will just lead to stress and exhaustion.
Beyond that was the fact that I’ve learnt these points countless times in my Christian life, but they were simply facts. I knew them but did not comprehend how it applies to and in my life. I did not live them, but rather just recited them. I guess I hoped they would rub off me if I chanted this mantra.
Also, He proved that if I just trust in Him, He would make all things work for my good. He helped me out of my predicament when I learnt to trust in Him and to acknowledge that serving His Kingdom and people far outweighed monetary rewards.
Overall, I’m thankful for such an experience, to be able to learn about the fundamentals again and in such a loving, gentle manner. He didn’t place me in a life-shattering situation and yet He got the message across! The biggest thanks to the greatest daddy in the world!!!