Realisation.

So I realised something about myself while in the bathroom (cliche, I know, but we all do our musings about life and identity there). I realised that I feel so conflicted and torn up about my identity, simply because of how I am concurrently two opposites. More specifically, I realised that I am concurrently paranoid and naïvely trusting.

The issue of friendships has been weighing heavily on my mind and heart these couple of weeks, what with the start of school and new friendships being made, while old friendships fall apart. After having a heart-to-heart-talk with a close friend about a certain someone, whose identity is unimportant, it provided me with self-realisation,. Personally, I would prefer not to ( Bartleby alert!) reflect about my identity, as it often sends me spiraling down into an abyss of darkness and clinging sadness. This time however, things were different. You may call it a maturation, but I was able to view myself and how I am regarding friendships objectively and without loathing or disgust! Thank God for bringing me out of that horrible era of my life.

Moving on. Friendship is of utmost importance to me, and if you claim to be my close friend, I would hold you to that unspoken, or spoken, promise to be there for me, just as how I would be there for you. Now I don’t demand for you to spend every waking second of me (things have changed, I’m not As demanding as before), but I do expect you to spend at least some time with me. Just to chill, hang out, catch up on life and other stuff. 

You must be wondering what any of this has to do with my topic at hand, namely my concurrent paranoia and naïve trust in friends. Well, if we aren’t that close, say we only talk randomly when we happen to chance upon one another, then my paranoid side steps in. A sudden warmness on your part sends me reeling back in fear of the unknown motives you might harbour; an out-of-the-blue interest in my life would sen me recoiling deep into myself as a wall of icy countenance replaces the ever-present grin of social awkwardness. 

However, if we have had a talk that lasted more than a net timing of 5 minutes, or a discussion about a topic that piques my interest, no matter how random, your worth and value in my eyes as a potential friend jumps up several notches. If we start sharing more personal issues, and on a relatively regular basis, you have officially stepped up to the position of Close Friend. Now with that position comes an expectation. I have a very estranged relationship with expectations, as I used to expect too much from others and myself, but thankfully I’ve grown past that. Instead, this expectation is logical and thought out: If you deem yourself my close friend, not just a title I’ve imposed on you, then the expectation that you will spend time with me is established. I don’t need you to be there every second on the day, or even every day, but at least be responsive and reciprocate that desire to spend time with me.

It can’t be helped that I want to spend time with you, my love language is Quality Time, followed by Physical Touch. While I’m trying my best to be less demanding of your time on my part, I just wish you would be more giving of your time as well.

FYI, this isn’t directed at a specific ‘you’, but rather it’s just a rant about certain people in general. And it has helped me understand myself a bit more. The best part of this realisation is a better understanding of myself and a knowledge of how I am going to change myself for the better. To be much more trusting of strangers/acquaintances who simply want to be friendly, while not being too clingy and dependent on these close friends, just so I can satisfy my personal need for companionship.

That’s it, I guess. I would write a poem but… My mind is just dead from all the readings I’ve been doing. Emerson is a lovely writer – I spent most of my time with a goofy grin plastered across my face as I read The Poet – but he kept beating about the bush regarding some of his ideas, so that made the reading hard and confusing. So yes, just wanna thank my Papa in Heaven for helping me deal with self-realisation in a healthier manner (less passive resentment, more self-improving actions and thoughts), and for placing these friends in my life, who have helped me reach this realisation.

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