Ecstatic in Exhaustion.

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I recently volunteered to write the script for my church’s weekly info-video, which is called Preview. At roughly 1am on Saturday I received an email with all the details of what was to be in the script, and a deadline of 10pm. 

Firstly, some background information about my week. It has been a roller coaster ride of emotions and issues. I’ve been feeling quite pressurised recently in terms of studies and friendships, where the pressure I put on myself to complete my readings and work on my notes has been mounting and mounting as the days flew by. On Thursday, both lecturers talked about our Final Examination and what was required of us. Not to mention the fact that I didn’t manage to finish my readings for both lectures, so I felt rather lost and as if I was falling behind on my studies. Ridiculous as it may be, this paranoia is completely true, because as of now I am struggling to complete both past and future readings.

Anyways, with the pressures of studies piling up, my emotions were beaten down yet wired up. So when some of my friends didn’t seem to care about the friendship as much as I did, it really got me down and hurt me deeply. I felt like I was stabbed right in the center of my heart, punched in the guts, slapped across the face and swung into outer space. Alone and abandoned, Thankfully, I had other friends who actually cared and comforted me as I wept and moaned (verbally, I didn’t actually cry).

The point was, I was fluctuating between feeling happy and sad throughout the entire week, and that really hit me hard because I felt like I was falling back into my old, over-emotional ways. Where my emotions controlled me and I had no more command over my own thoughts and actions. That frightened me, because my past still haunts me occasionally, and I swore never to return. This week was far too close to degeneration than was comfortable.

So today was such a sweet relief to my heart and spirit. After skipping lifegroup on Thursday because I was too emo to function, I felt guilty at missing out on an opportunity to push aside schoolwork and just focus on God. Even during praise and worship in service, I found myself drifting towards worry and fixation on what I had to complete for school next week. It was only when I started focusing on the sermon did I feel a greater sense of peace and clarity. 

There were two things that struck me immensely: One, that He has blessed me with the gift of writing. Second, that you feel immense joy while serving Him using that God-given gift. So here’s the real reason for this post: I just submitted a script for the upcoming Preview at roughly 10:50pm, 20 minutes past the original dateline. All the details were already provided, all I had to do was piece them together into a script, to make it flow in an articulate form. Now this was my first time doing a script; in my whole life of writing, never have I done a script, simply because I’m not witty enough to write out a fast-paced written piece of work. So I had my reservations about even taking it up.

Imagine my surprise when I got back a encouraging, pleasant response, telling me I did a good job on the work for my first time! I screamed and cried and squealed and hopped (mentally of course, it was around midnight then). It lifted my mood, my spirit and my hopes. Up until that email, I’ve been having my doubts about whether this was truly a gift from God. For there are so many better writers out there, who are writing for Him and actually making an impact in the world. While all I’ve been doing for the past few months is whining and griping about life and my emotions, through poetry and rants that I’ve tried desperately to cover up as updates. This email opened my eyes to what I’m supposed to do with this gift: To use it for Him and not for myself!

What sweet relief to know that the burden is lifted! Ironically, there was such a big burden in the illusion that I was writing for myself, as a reflection of who I was to the world. The burden was lifted when I recognised it was for Him that I write, because now I knew that He writes through my fingertips. I drew my inspiration and passion from Him, and not from some obscure corner of my soul, from some hidden recess of my mind, some covered corner of my heart.

So, yups, that’s just what lifted my spirits from the dumps of last week to the week ahead! Praise God for coming through for me even in my down times! ❤

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