So today I was feeling a bit pressured.
What with everyone around me talking about their ideas for our lit essays (due on the 9th of November, mind you!), Astro paper approaching, hall production proving to be time-consuming, caroling practice, getting into biz mag sub-comm, upcoming job interview on Wednesday, both my tutees’ O level and Semester exam coming up – all of these on top of my personal desires to improve on my singing, family commitments, church commitments and friendships – this first half of the very first semester was proving to be… taxing and exhausting.
Don’t get me wrong, I love and am highly appreciative of my spot here in uni. I’m grateful that God gave me this wonderful opportunity, blessed me with the awesome people around me and overall, I couldn’t ask for more. It’s just starting to weigh down on me, because everything came at once.
(It’s a good thing the recess week is approaching. Even though 4/5 days are taken up by hall activities, they aren’t full days, so I can still squeeze in studying. )
Now, I was feeling the pressure after my first tutorial, but the short time I had in SAC before lunch calmed me down. Listing always had a calming effect on me; perhaps it was the knowledge that I was in control and knew what has to be done, in perfect order. Or maybe cause I could push all the organising out of my brain and onto ‘paper’. By the end of the second tutorial, I figured out what I wanted to write on for both my cores. No, what got me down in the dumps and bogged my spirit down was friendship issues.
Ah, Friendship. It seems like I’ve been facing a lot of issues with you, Friendship. That, however, is not the inspiration for the post per se.
No, what really inspired the post was when I decided to be strong, to grow up and not let my emotions carry me off once again into that pit of despair. No longer will I subject myself to that bough of emotional wreckage, I was going to pull myself together, lift my chin and carry on.
God, again my lovely, sweet, kind and totally awesome God, comforted me.
When heading back to hall after meeting Lazy, he blasted Hillsong’s God Is Able album into my ears, flooding my with peace and serenity as I glided down the stairs. Instead of talking the bus, I was pulled in the direction of ADM. ‘I guess I’m walking then’ is probably the best way to describe my thoughts then. Sunlight filtered through the trees, radiant green and muted yellows winked at me as they shielded the sun’s heavy gaze, the fluttering wind gently caressing me like silk. Music pumping through my ears, my eyes soaked in the beauty of the trees, flowers, sunlight, densely-textured tree trunks, and empty pavements.
I was alone, but not lonely. I learnt the importance of solitude from Samuel last night after our catch-up at the Grocer. He explained how having that period in army to himself, by himself, helped him learn more about who he is and what he wanted. Today, I saw a glimmer of that value of being alone.
As I walked on, my name and its meaning just floated through my mind, in between random entrancement by God’s creations. He reminded me, in the simplest and quietest whisper, that I should allow myself to be comforted by Him. Not to turn to others in rants and tears, nor direct anger and frustration at loved ones. Instead, to submit it all into His hands, let Him take it all away and allow Him to pour in the comfort.
I drank it all up, as hungry as starving babe, malnourished from her Father’s touch and her Father’s voice. It’s been a while. A long while, way too long.
I was comforted today by God. Today, I understood what it means to be Aziel, Whom God Comforts.