We learnt about marriage today in service. If you imagined it to be awkward, it was. But not so much for my service as the service before ours, the Youth service. We did our fair share of groaning and cringing, imagine Their faces! Oh goodness, can you say Traumatised?
Although it may seem inappropriate for me, considering my 19-years-strong streak of singledom, plus the fact that marriage is not on my list of to-dos until I get a job, this sermon was oddly apt. It came at the right time. With recent events still fresh in my head, guilt, shame, regret and loss have been plaguing me. Not to mention hurt and utter sadness, the type of joylessness that sucks away your soul, eating away at it as each moment passes. It may be due to exhaustion, but a large part has to do with these events.
Regardless, I’ve been down in the dumps since Thursday. Unable to lift my spirits, not even willing to wake up for morning lessons on Friday. I tried to convince myself that it was because going for tutorial without reading Crusoe is pointless, but a larger reason lay in my reluctance to face the world. To face reality. To face life. To face God.
So much regret and confusion, loss and hurt, all these jumbled emotions have been plaguing me. Most importantly, the fact that I’ve let God down with my recent bout of behaviour, let myself down for my heck-care attitude plus the drop in personal standards. I mean, what’s the deal? Why did you let yourself get into this whole mess in the first place? Now you’ve let yourself down, let God down, and you’re basically degenerating, falling back to your old ways of succumbing and indulging in the flesh.
So today, as the pastor talked about marriage and Oneness, glorifying God and reflecting His love through one’s marriage, I realised it was time to get my act together. To stop with all these ‘fun’ and get back to the start. To stick to my resolution and promises, and become Aziel. Things have been a blast with instant gratification and on the other hand, horrible soul-crushing disappointment, regret and horrible consequences, but it’s time to focus on what’s important: Going back to God and letting Him be the center.
The exams are approaching, and decisions are looming. I’ve had my share of fun, now it’s time to focus on Him again and push all these desires aside. Rather than obsess about relationships and friendships, just place Him as the number one, the center of it all, and all these will fall into place Far behind Him and His work. I am Joey, I am Aziel, called to be a Christian, a Christ-follower first above All things, especially those the world is obsessed with.
Thursday night my roomie, her Buddhist Society senior and I chilled in our room. We were just singing along to Christian songs we sang in Secondary school, since we were all from Methodist Secondary schools (Geylang Methodist, PLMG, MGS). This really helped me to open my eyes, made me realise what I’ve been missing out. I started uni with a vision of praising Him with a few people in my room, me on the guitar, us just worshiping Him. Though this wasn’t exactly what the vision was, it made me realise the possibility of that happening was not such a ludicrous idea. It can be done, Jesus was telling me, It is possible. They may not love Him but they sang, and it gave me hope in the vision God gave me.
I’ve been focusing so much on myself, what I want to do, what I want to enjoy, my grades, my friendships, I’ve pushed Him out of the picture. I’ve forgotten what I wanted to do for Him and His Kingdom, for our relationship. I’ve been really selfish and hurtful, ignoring Him and putting Him as second, no as the last resort in almost everything. In times of fear, anxiety, sadness, He was the last person I turned to, when I used to put Him first.
Oh how far I’ve fallen away… He has been here for me, but I’ve put up this thick wall of self-absorption, pushed Him away with my claims of “I can handle this without You, because I don’t dare to face you. I don’t think I can depend on You, because I’m worried that if I dare to and I feel like You fail me, I won’t love you anymore… I want to be in denial rather than face that possibility.”
I actually felt like He couldn’t help me because this is something He doesn’t have the time for. Even worse, I thought He would not be able to help me… I’ve fallen so far in my faith and trust in Him. I can’t believe these thoughts and fears…
It’s time to go back to Him, to start anew and confess my sins. To go back to my Father as the Prodigal Son (or Daughter, in this case) and beg for forgiveness. And to feel His embrace as He takes ten thousand steps towards my timid baby ones.
I’m sorry, Father. I miss you. I want to come home.