About 12 weeks have passed since the first lesson in NTU English Literature. I’ve learnt a lot, made friends, explored and experimented, thought a lot.
So why do I feel so unaccomplished and in lack?
I look at my tutorial group, I look at others, and I see such a difference. Where theirs is loud and fun, both in and out of tutorial, mine is quiet, serious and everything is usually a discussion rather than a conversation. I used to be in The Loud Class.
I look at my friendships, the laughter has slowly been weakening, subsiding, and in some altogether missing. Pretty much like my tutorial group, everything is now a discussion, not a conversation.
I look at my walk with God, the conversation is missing. All there is are negotiations, discussions, and sometimes avoidance.
I look at myself.
I don’t see who I am anymore.
I don’t see Aziel, although I tried so hard to make her a part of me.
I don’t see Joey, the one who was so ‘retarded’ and ‘weird’ but fun and loving and sweet.
I see a bitter, washed-out, worn down, tired, frustrated, sad, empty, lonely person who finds it harder and harder to trust people completely with every instance of hurt.
I don’t move on from past hurts any more and all the buried stuff are being dug up, flung out into the open, as I sit quietly in a corner watching them trudge out and lunge towards me.
Take each day at a time, the future is unclear but watch your every step. You will look up someday, see where you are now, look back realise how much you’ve changed, how much things have changed and smile.
I can’t smile. I look back and I see my depression. I look nearer to the present and I see a strong women in God who has decided to put Him first. I look at me now.
I don’t see that woman anywhere. I see the girl who could not smile. The girl who found it hard to look at the world in its face. That girl who found it hard to really talk to someone, to feel a sense of belonging, who found herself alone again amidst the throngs of the crowds. Who feels alone once more, and worse, lonely.
The girl who took no pleasure in being by herself, after a period of having people there. Who suddenly realises everyone has someone, but she doesn’t. The third wheel or lightbulb in every situation. This isn’t just about a relationship, even in friendship. For beyond not being someone’s priority, I see those whom I love drifting away. And things are going back to the past.
What did I do wrong? What can I do to make things right? I don’t want to need someone in my life, I don’t want to depend on others in my life. I just want to be by myself, comfortable with who I am, being alone with my thoughts, satisfied.
But I can’t, I am not, I don’t know if I will be. So for now, I wish for the presence of others, but that’s missing too.
I push them away while wishing they grew close.
I’m tired. I really am.
Of making conversations?
I’m tired of fear and apprehension and suspicion. Worst of all, I’m tired of having my hopes in others crushed with every passing remark.
I’m tired. And I don’t want to do this anymore.