I’m currently sprawled out on my bed in hall as I type this. My exams just ended yesterday, and the long-awaited freedom is finally here!
Yet, I’m all alone in my room, curled up in my blanket just so I don’t feel so exposed and completely alone. It’s dumb to associate being alone with loneliness, but that’s just how I am. I can’t help but to feel lonely and like an outcast when there’s no one around. Worst off when no one responds to me.
I was supposed to go out shopping and then zouk at night today, but I didn’t want to watch a movie two days in a row, and I don’t really wanna go zouk with people I don’t know.
Picky picky picky.
If I don’t curl up into a ball and pull my blanket around me, I’m scared my loneliness will cause me to implode and every essence of my being will escape, leaving me an emptier shell than I already am feeling.
Plus, I’m broke and hungry. Most of my money has gone into food, but I eat in hall. It’s frightening watching the amount in my bank trickle away with each withdrawal. It feels like everything is spinning out of control, out of reach, out of hand. Slipping through my very fingers and threatening to elude me, leaving me alone. Yes, even the thought of spending too much money makes me feel alone.
You may call me stupid, you may call me pathetic. But this is who I am. I draw energy and happiness from the very presence of others. Without it, without a spoken syllable or a human touch, I feel like I’m nothing, just an unprotected spirit that can be blown away at the slightest hint of disarray.