With tears and pain come nightmares.
Every night, waves of agony flood my subconscious. Tumultuous dreams, eerily realistic. For the past three nights, every morning I drift into reality with such heaviness weighing me deeper into my sheets. It’s hard to remember that they are but dreams. Emotions raw, sharp and piercing, they follow me from the dreams into my waking hours. Long after daylight seeps into my bones, the shock of these nightmares trails and lingers.
Always, men I know are hurting me. Betraying my trust. Taking advantage of me. Moving in close, breaking my trust in them, of them. Laughing, confident, or should I say, obnoxiously chauvinistic as they complete the deed. More often than not, smirking as they lean back from me. Leaving me confused. How can I properly explain this influx of emotions? Words, as usual, escape me, leaving me floundering and lacking, inadequacy stumbling and crippling me as I reach for the abyss that is my Wealth of Vocabulary.
These men take me by surprise with their actions and behaviour, leaving me resentful of them. Worse than that, angry at myself, for allowing them to Think that they have the freedom and liberty to do such things. Ashamed, disgusted, lost and empty.
Sleeping beneath the stars, dreamcatcher watching over me every night for over a month. Nothing has changed. Night time has become a nightmare in itself. Every passing hour with the fading sunlight has been a dread-filled curse, plaguing me as I take a step closer to seeing face after face of one more familiar face.