There will be a time when you will say, “I’m done.” Nothing more, nothing less. No explanations or elaborations. With these two words, the next few moments of your life will change. It may take years, or just a few hours till something takes your breath away, but at that very moment, you’re simply, done.
Nothing matters anymore, you just want to drop everything and give it all up. To fuck it all and say adios to your old life. That previous way of thinking, the silly little dreams and hopes and aspirations and expectations. You will say that you’re done with them, and chuck them under the rug.
Enough with the emotional roller coaster, no more of the pain and hurt. Farewell to the crushing agony and disappointment. Out the window, into the closet. Done with all this bullshit, you’ll think, as you tear out your heart. Perhaps you hit a plateau, and have descended into an inescapable numbness. Everything is grey around you, no more do you see the bright splashes of colours or the intense beauty in life. Even worse, when tears no longer fall, and every hurtful comment simply ignites a dull, throbbing ache deep within your core.
The joy and despair are muted and numbing. Every single moment of glee and bliss felt is identical to the torment and sadness ignited. Romance is dead, you think, it’s just a commercialised lie. Enough with the emotional pornography, I’m done.
You might be able to overcome this, eventually. For now though, love is but a figment of your imagination. It’s for everyone else; it’s for the Exceptions, but you’re the Rule. Forget searching for love, forget hoping for more. To hell with stability or the Chase. No guy is worth is, nor do you appear worth their time. Might as well turn to the Important things in this struggle called Life: Studies, Family, Money, Pleasure.
Hedonism, become a sybarite. Or become a recluse and draw into the deepest recesses of your inner mind. Escape from the world and its tentacles of influence. Be who you are without romantic love deciding your identity and value. Reject the need to rely on another’s attention to figure out that you are worth it. It isn’t escapism. It is learning to avoid that which has torn you apart, cut you up, shredded you into miniscule pieces, and start to accept yourself. To embrace every aspect of your imperfect being and acknowledge that You are the perfect edition of You. Nothing can make you less perfect at being you, no one can make you feel like you aren’t good enough.
Take this step of closure. Of resolution. Go ahead and be ‘done’ with all this crap. Let Him open up another door after the closure of this window. You need this time to yourself, not just to figure out what you want and all that ‘finding yourself’ malarky and bullshit. No, you need this time to yourself to realise this: It’s not that bad to be lacking attention.
Not that bad at all.