It’s easier, but not better

It’s easier to say, ‘Life’ and push all the blame to Fate, Destiny, Circumstances and Unlucky Coincidences.

It’s easier to fall back into bad habits than strive for the best you can be.
Ironic, yes. But while we all know that we should be living life in the best manner as we are capable of, we always just go back to doing all these detrimental deeds. It’s easier to prove the world right, and live an unsatisfactory life wallowing in self-pity.

I’ve been avoiding QT and service because I was afraid of facing God, of confronting all the guilt piled up high within. What I didn’t know is that though I’ve been trying to push Him away, He’s been trying to pull me back.

Talks with Taxi Uncles are pretty much the norm for me. In English or Mandarin, we often just talk about anything and everything, usually guided by the uncles. I met this one uncle on my way to pick up J. We started talking about Life and he mentioned how there’s a higher being that is governing our lives. I suspected, but I didn’t feel like bringing it up.

It probably took a lot of courage, come to think of it, but he asked if I was Christian. Then we started talking about letting go and putting life into His hands, to trust in Him and believe that all will work out. I struggled so very hard at the start, cause talking about You to others made me feel hypocritical, but it got more comfortable as the talk deepened. Before I left, he asked me to read Ephesians 1:4-13.

I didn’t think too much about this, just felt glad that I met an uncle who talked about God with me. I needed a reminder, and it was timely indeed.

The constant texts from my LGL, my shepherd, asking how I am and how life is. They’re nudges from you too.

Then, today. The decision to go USS in the first place after a long night, then the decision to leave early. All part of your plan so I can meet G. I caught sight of him but didn’t immediately say hi, cause I wasn’t headed to service. It ended in a short lunch together, sharing about my life for the first time in months with someone from church, and having him leave me with John 16:33.

All these encounters aren’t by accident, they were planned in advance by You. Thank You, for being so loving to an unworthy me.

As G said, feeling worthless goes completely against being a Christian. All the shit that has been happening in my life isn’t the result of Life conspiring against me, but the aftermath of my decisions and choices. Which I must admit are pretty dumb.

So I’ve tried the hedonistic lifestyle. I’ve tried the contemporary Christian way of a solely personal relationship with God and basically, just living a life pleasing everyone else (including my flesh and desires) but not the most important of all: God.

So let’s try this again from the top. Let’s go ack to the start. I wanna focus on doing what makes me happy, without compromising on my self-respect, on my self-worth, and above all, on my relationship with You. To the only man in my life that I can completely trust and whom loves me with all His heart, so much so that He gave His one and only son to die on the cross for all, and I mean All – past, present and future – I just want to say thank You, and I love you Jesus. Let’s start afresh and make it right again.


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