There are a number of things I need to get done before 8:30am tomorrow.
1) Copies for the month of August
2) Deciding which books to order online and which to buy from the school bookstore
3) Planning a lunch with my OG on 7th August
4) Plan the upcoming Bintan trip with my friends
5) Complete this gift for my friend
7) Start writing Love/Hate poem for Poetry of Song
The last is the hardest. Where the first 6 are necessary (a career, an education, health and building up relationships), the last is a passion.
A love, a means of expression, an activity in which I give myself completely up to the subconscious babbling of the deepest recesses of my brain and emotions and the secret affairs of the heart.
Hence the difficulty, for I wish not to indulge in that. I don’t want to be sad and depressing to talk to, to allow the negativity and flood of feelings and memories to overwhelm me. There’s too much to do in way too little time. There’s no time for thinking and confronting and addressing and submitting.
Yet, here I am procrastinating. Writing, scrolling through tumblr, facebook, my phone. I do not wish to complete my tasks.
For when they are done, I will have time.
Earlier today, in 3 hours, my director and I finished writing the gist of Act 2 of our hall’s musical. An hour and two 4-hour sessions too early. This means one of many time and mind consuming tasks is complete.
My copies need to be done before work begins at 8:30am tomorrow, but if past experiences are anything to go by, I will be done in roughly 2 hours.
The ordering of books done in about an hour and a half.
The planning of the lunch is something I can do over the next week with little to no thoughts.
The planning of the trip is basically non-existent. It’s a 2D1N trip, the plan is to do nothing.
I always procrastinate exercising, but it will be done tomorrow morning, after I submit my work to my boss.
The gift can be done throughout tomorrow, and there’s no worries for the dateline will be tight enough that I will accomplish it by 4pm.
To write the poem means to revisit a thought-post I wrote before, a reflection/response piece. It means trudging down memory lane. It will mean reawakening feelings and thoughts that plague me every free thinking second of every day. I do not wish to face them head-on, face-on. I would rather brush them aside as if they do not and never did exist. Even as I write this, I am viewing these memories abstractly, and from a safe distance. It is just a word: Memories. Feelings. Nothing personal, nothing distinct, their names do not appear, neither do the experiences. No hurts, no thoughts, no rush of pain, no flush of regret.
It is calming to write like this. Focusing on what needs to be done, and stating logically my reason for procrastinating. It lies deeper than laziness, for I never procrastinate this badly for such matters with such a tight deadline. Writing this has helped me come to terms with the reasons for procratination and ironically, motivates me to start on this list.
If I finish them in time, perhaps I will go back to the writing of the poem. And perhaps, this time, I can channel the explosion of pain and melancholy into a beautiful poem.