Escapade 17 April

I’m rushing to a literature exam and I have no pens, so we’re rushing, me Sam and… Someone. Theo? Ran into a side shop and bought two pens. Found out they bought wholesale from another shop that’s close to where I live, and I make a mental note to buy from the supplier directly next time.

There’s a room and… Paintings on the wall. Someone’s parents tell a guy to remove this painting and it’s about two women loving each other. Someone comes over and pats me on the back. “I know, it’s okay. One day.”

It’s raining and we still need to get to school. Out pops my tiny umbrella and I’m sharing it with the person. And then Sam is getting wet and YAY I brought my really big umbrella too. This older guy near us asked if I have Everything in my bag and I said yes. He was amused and I was confident. We went on our way.

In school, huge courtyard, 4 buildings surrounding reminiscent of ancient China palaces. There’s a special deer above on the roof of the building on our right. And a guy we know on our left. He has a contraction that is menacing and extendable. He wants to kill the doe, the fawn. The fawn has antlers that extend and split till it has a whole antenna up there. I tell him No and he tries to grab me with his weapon. Right before we reach the steps of the building ahead, he tells me he can use me to kill the doe. Suddenly a jolt of lightning surges from the mouth of his weapon, bounces off my wallet in my right hand and slices through the doe. I scream in agony as it fell, as I ran up the stairs away, crying, oh agony oh my fault oh it died because of me oh agony oh oh oh why why oh.

I found him and confronted him. He said it’s cause he liked me. He gets more insane more forceful more illogical and intimidating and scary. “Why did you wear that and look so sexy then!” A tank top and shorts. He’s walking closer and forcing me down onto the ground and he tries to kiss me. I lay motionless, hoping it would deter him, wondering why he was doing this when he knew I had a boyfriend, afraid that my not pushing him off was my fault and that I secretly wanted it even though my heart is filled with fear and my body is stiff and not reacting to his advances and touch.

My nightmares feel like memories. Like events that happened just yesterday or a while back, and the fuzziness of recollection is just my failing memory. Ask me about something a week back and that same fuzziness floats over anything I’m recalling. Sometimes, the dreams feel more like reality due to the emotions connected to them then the emotionless recollection of true events in my waking life. That scares me.

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