I know it’s there
This leaking ball in my chest
creates a scrunching of my face
But tears don’t fall.
Can’t sleep can’t wake,
some days can’t get out of bed.
Inhale the food
Exhale the unproductivity.
Some days it’s the screaming in my head,
and it’s not the jumble of words and thoughts that become an unbearable noise,
it’s not even mentally imagining yourself screaming because you can mentally run out of air.
It’s just a perpetually high-pitched scream that lives at the back of my head and makes it impossible to concentrate on anything and everything and it heightens the anxiety and worry because why the fuck is there a screaming in my head?
Other days it’s like a really heavy pullover because it’s all over you and makes your whole being heavy.
Not an easily removable zipper hoodie. A zipper-less pullover with a tight collar.
Because part of you feels like you can remove it anytime but you’re just choosing not to because it’s too much effort.
Then you try to remove it, and you can’t, cause the collar is too small and now you’re kinda stuck with it.
So you make do and just lie in bed and try not to think about it.
Today it’s this weird… blob of sadness just lying there in my chest.
Not heavy really, just, kinda like water in outer space.
There’s a semblance of a shape but it’s all blobby and looks like its malleable but you can’t touch it or control it.
It’s just there and I feel sad but also a strange disconnect between what I want to do which is to cry, my brain is telling me so and my body feels like doing it, but I can’t and I also don’t have that wham of emotions that allow the tears to flow and the nose to get sore.
I see the effects of the past two weeks on my body. I’ve a bigger belly and thicker arms from all the eating.
Constantly eating to fill the emptiness up, and my stomach is never full and I need to do mindless things because work is too stressful and I can’t deal with it but at the same time there’s not enough work and I just want to feel normal.
Then there are days where I feel like my old self again. Motivated even, excited, fun.
It’s not long before everything gets blank though.
I don’t know if this is a phase, or if I’m just acting the way I always do after breakups or if I’m just being dramatically self-indulgent. That’s one of the most frustrating aspects, the constant doubting of the self. I’ve always doubted myself and all my issues and reactions (doesn’t keep me from reacting, but I sure do a lot of self-hating and regretting after) but this is harder cause I don’t know if I’m just acting all of this through a really committed self-delusion, or if this is real.
That reminds me, the only two proper feelings I feel are sadness and anger. Sure there’s the happiness with talking to Matthew some days or with Caris or Belle but generally it’s… more like I’m reacting in a manner that I’ve learnt to recognise is how I behave when I’m happy. So it might seem to feel like happiness, but I don’t really feel it per se. I feel the reactions I have when showing happiness and politeness and laughter and comfort… But I also have pretty crazy mood swings recently, with really excited highs and then long periods of lows. Can’t go to work or school or even shower or leave the room lows. Get angry and sad easily and lash out and then the next day, almost back to normal me, then the low sinks in.
I look at the clock every night and feel a dread. With the night comes the inability to sleep, and the inability to wake up tomorrow. The dread of having to wake up and live life, to go out and have to do what needs to be done, places to go and work to complete. The dread of feeling the loneliness strongest as the night grows quiet and all are safely in their dreams and beds but I’m here fearing sleep.
So I don’t feel but I also swing really hard with the emotions. It’s a fucking mess and I’m so confused, do I not feel or do I feel too much. What is happening with me, what is wrong with me, do I need a new diagnosis?