Y’know that frustrating phrase people with mental illnesses always say?
“You don’t understand”
“You don’t get it”
“Nobody will ever understand me”
Or y’know how they seem to blame their mental illness for everything?
“I’m sorry for getting so mad, it’s one of the symptoms”
“I can’t stop thinking or worrying so much, it’s just something that happens”
“I just feel a lot okay, I don’t expect you to understand”
And y’know what else? The fact that you always have to coddle them.
“Why can’t you just listen and understand how I’m feeling?”
“This is just who I am, it’s part of me, I can’t change it!”
“I don’t care who knows, they need to accept it or leave”
I think the worst is how despite their ‘pride’, they want to keep it hush-hush.
“I can’t write it down, I’ll never get a job”
“Nah, they don’t need to know this. They don’t matter to me”
“I don’t want them to talk”
Yea it’s annoying, infuriating, sometimes a little pathetic.
But I don’t think you will ever understand, because I can’t understand.
I don’t know why I feel so much, so deeply; how did it come about; why is it here to stay.
I’m trying to make you understand that I don’t want all these to happen. I know how crazy, stupid, ridiculous these behaviours seem, trust me, I want them to end.
It’s here to stay though, so no matter how much I love and need you, I’ll rather warn you first so you have a chance to escape it. I can’t, but you can.
To think this private internal mess that I can’t control, can’t understand, can’t predict, is the very same mess that once publicly known will be my own label;
brand me a leper
I don’t know why it’s happening, believe me, I want to be normal
But I can’t.