New log

I’ve been eating a ton, bingeing out because I can’t feel full. I want flavours and textures to exist within me, depth and beauty. So I eat, because it’s easier, better.

I’ve put on quite a bit of weight, I feel so heavy. But for once, I’m not disgusted, hurt, angry, sad, at a loss, looking at the double chin or pot belly

Stretch marks on my thighs. They’re fine.

It’s a little annoying not being able to fit into some of my tighter clothes. But I no longer freak out about the possibility of men not wanting me because of my body. I no longer base my worth as a human being on how well I fit into society’s standard of what size I should be.

I have a deal with a guy I’ve been dating casually. From Sunday on, clean eating, exercising every day, no junk food, more water. And at the end of my exams, we’ll need to have reached our individual goal weights and then we’ll go to a water park. Tbh, I still have remnants of wanting to be slim cause it’s “hotter”. Also, I really wanna be able to wear everything in my wardrobe, without worrying about buffalo wing arms, without being unable to zip up, without being unable to pull it off after pulling it on.

There are times when I still have bad days, and I can’t get out bed, where I cry over my ex, where I cancel my plans and flake on friends. It happens, with the BPD and the anxiety flaring and the rage rearing it’s ugly head, the depression weighing the clouds down. But with my medicine, the occasional mediation and yoga, the counselling, the self-awareness, but things are great these days. So so much better. I’m quite happy actually, and I’m excited again these days.

Laughing at shows, intrigued by sculpture class, wanting to take classes after I start work, having two interviews lined up this Monday and Wednesday (wish me luck), meeting up with friends and trusting them, also not feeling guilty and whorish for liking and having sex. Things are nice.

I do have moments of bingeing on food, alcohol, even sleeping pills, but I know I’m strong enough to overcome the impulsivity and lack of self-control.

I’m not excited about the future per se, and I’ve never been the type to be That excited anyways, but I am starting to have plans again, which means that I actually think it’s worth living for.

Peace,
Aziel

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