Imagine feeling empty, sad, hopeless, worthless, directionless and lost.
Anxious and panicky, sensitive to lights, sounds and casual words.
Couple that with monthly intense mood swings, tears that flow easily, body aches and exhaustion, need for sleep throughout the day, aching back and swollen breasts.
Now your emptiness and loneliness is heightened with the consistent flow of blood and unfertilised eggs.
My brain becomes a ticking alarm clock reminding me it’s time for my pill again.
Its choice of alarm tune?
The urge to pop handfuls of pills, to get knock out drunk, to do something, anything to mute the mind and feelings. She doesn’t scream at the back of my mind anymore, but her toxic breath fogs the brain in the meantime.
Up till I take that little pill and go to bed. Things are better when I wake up. But in between, there’s no guarantee what the subconscious will unleash on my sleeping mind.