Tag Archives: agony

Adult awakening

Drunken awakening

Realisation of self, desperate attempts to revive

Resuscitate

Rescue and control.

 

Spiral and sink,

Fogged and shattered,

Exploding incontinuities

Repugnant existence

 

Advise

Counsel

Recognition, realisation, repetition,

Confession to the self of

The slow descend into

Drifting out of control.

 

Back to a routine

To denial of patterns and comfort

Desperately hiding away to avoid

Burning more bridges,

Hurting while hurting

Defences up while loved ones

Loved hard in the wrong way.

 

Is anything but my preferred way

The wrong way

Or am I asserting control

By pushing everyone away.

 

Self esteem plunging

Self love dissipating

Self hate emboldening

Worthlessness strengthening.

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up high.

Each climb requires a descend,
but all I desire is to fly,
wasting away high up in the sky.

dripping down melancholy
as I soar through clouds

embracing false evolutionary instinct
as the wind pummels against my eyes.

Even with the agony of sleet
breathlessness
rain-soaked skin

I’d rather never land
and instead keep drifting through
these stratocumulus clouds.

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Mind state.

Desperate for love

Dejection from rejection

Agony from disdain

Sadness with solitude.

People pleasing, pleasure pursuit.

Addiction and impulsiveness.

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Working a job you hate

I took an 8 months Marketing internship, thinking it was the best alternative since I was but a lowly English Literature Major. Beyond education, I thought I had no other hope of a career, so into marketing I went.

I hated it.

Fast forward to 2016 and I kept searching for Government jobs, but as a result of the depression and anxiety from the previous year, I couldn’t join a lot of governmental jobs. After being rejected multiple times, i started looking at private firms, specifically in the Marketing sector. It was desperation and loss of hope I guess. 

After a week of interviews that amounted to nothing, plus growing self disgust at trying to pursue marketing when I knew jack shit, I took up a job that promised to give me only writing roles, aka writing Newsletters and blog posts for the company. I told the boss I knew nothing about marketing so I couldn’t do it and they promised to find someone to handle it.

I went in in the first week of September, including the last few days of August, and in the first 2 days I was given all tasks by the intern before she flew home. afeet that first week, i had chronic diarrhea with bleeding for about 3 weeks to a month.

Now, it’s nearly two months in. We just finished a huge event that took about 3 weeks to prepare which was way too little time. I had to work the entire weekend with no pay.
The body broke down and now I’m home with bloody stools and an anus dripping blood, plus a short fainting spell.

I need out. 

I can feel the depression starting to set in. With a boss that pushes blame, gives tasks last minute, is vague about your projects, your roles, unappreciative, rude and never pays you on time, plus the fact that I truly dislike marketing because I can’t understand how to reach out to people and convince them to buy our products and engage in our services, this is truly shitty.

Sure I get to meet very interesting people in this job and I’ve learnt that I’m great at networking/ PR but the cons outweigh the pros. I’m literally bleeding. 
Wish me all the best, my darling readers, because I’ve got an HR job interview tomorrow. May it go well so I can work no more than 44 hours a week, no weekends, clear job roles and have time to live a life.

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