Tag Archives: antidepression

Adult awakening

Drunken awakening

Realisation of self, desperate attempts to revive

Resuscitate

Rescue and control.

 

Spiral and sink,

Fogged and shattered,

Exploding incontinuities

Repugnant existence

 

Advise

Counsel

Recognition, realisation, repetition,

Confession to the self of

The slow descend into

Drifting out of control.

 

Back to a routine

To denial of patterns and comfort

Desperately hiding away to avoid

Burning more bridges,

Hurting while hurting

Defences up while loved ones

Loved hard in the wrong way.

 

Is anything but my preferred way

The wrong way

Or am I asserting control

By pushing everyone away.

 

Self esteem plunging

Self love dissipating

Self hate emboldening

Worthlessness strengthening.

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Depression as a woman

Imagine feeling empty, sad, hopeless, worthless, directionless and lost.

Anxious and panicky, sensitive to lights, sounds and casual words.

Couple that with monthly intense mood swings, tears that flow easily, body aches and exhaustion, need for sleep throughout the day, aching back and swollen breasts.

Now your emptiness and loneliness is heightened with the consistent flow of blood and unfertilised eggs.

My brain becomes a ticking alarm clock reminding me it’s time for my pill again.

Its choice of alarm tune?

The urge to pop handfuls of pills, to get knock out drunk, to do something, anything to mute the mind and feelings. She doesn’t scream at the back of my mind anymore, but her toxic breath fogs the brain in the meantime.

Up till I take that little pill and go to bed. Things are better when I wake up. But in between, there’s no guarantee what the subconscious will unleash on my sleeping mind.

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