Tag Archives: life

Tactile Surreality.

Passing gradients and swirl dream dyes.

bumps, crackle, white-red sparks
chest expanding lifts,
tippity-top of the brain
rolling eyes.

oxygen widening the tubes
seeping into nubs
tinkling jerks and winces

Smooth rippling tides by gentle lilies.

Self obsession a cure
for redirection
and healthy minds
healthy hearts
healthy lives.

Ease, a belief of connected souls.

snap, crunch, crackle, brittle
seeping, crystals, thick
soft, compact, tough
tender, hurried, curious.

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It’s the day after my birthday.

No expectations were had and thus I had probably one of the best birthdays ever. Went to the botanical gardens with my ex colleagues and drank mojito, ates chips, talked (read: screamed) about sex and overall just had a ton of fun.

Went for dinner with them then came home and slept.

It’s been an interesting December.

After 3 months as the content marketing manager and PR manager at a wee startup with a boss who doesn’t know how to run or talk business, nitpicks and is incredibly rude, we find out he didn’t get the investment he’d promise would come in; that that was the only investment the company was banking everything on; that our boss got a new investment late in November and decided thus to reject an offer by a shareholder to take up over 40% of the shares where in return they would hire us all and pay off all his debt. Thus, I lost my job. And haven’t been paid for the last 2 months.

But, I’m waiting to hear from CAAS about the ATCO position, which I really really want because unlike marketing, it makes sense. I’m not manipulating people to buy something that they didn’t necessarily want. I’m helping land planes and make sure planes take off safely, ensuring people get to their families and loved ones all around the world. 

It’s interesting also because I think I’ve grown up quite a bit in the past 3 months. With my focus on growing my career, I’m no longer hung up on the need for “love”, or rather Attention. In this period of waiting, I’m bored and thus downloaded tinder, but now I’m bored of it too cause unlike the past, I no longer need the attention to feel worthy. I know I am. Working gave me that confidence when I saw my ability to grow and take on challenges in 3 months, and I saw my natural talkative self blossom in PR and networking and business development. It was fascinating, confidence building and so very encouraging.

I’ve also cut down on my pills, down to 1 every 4 days and my mood isn’t actually bad between those 4 days. The weight gain with these pills are a little crazy tho, so I’ve been focusing more on my diet. But this lazy girl ain’t working out like she should, so there’s that to work on.

Got a freelance writing job so at least I’ll have some disposable income until I get the job offer and confirmation, up till February when work begins.

I haven’t written in a while. Maybe I’m too bored but there’s nothing for me to really write about. Nothing seeking escape via dreams or words. 

I do miss writing though, so perhaps I’ll start a mini challenge of writing everyday till Christmas day. 

Hope everyone is doing well this festive season, and that y’all are surrounded by loved ones and loving ones.

Lotsa love, Aziel

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Working a job you hate

I took an 8 months Marketing internship, thinking it was the best alternative since I was but a lowly English Literature Major. Beyond education, I thought I had no other hope of a career, so into marketing I went.

I hated it.

Fast forward to 2016 and I kept searching for Government jobs, but as a result of the depression and anxiety from the previous year, I couldn’t join a lot of governmental jobs. After being rejected multiple times, i started looking at private firms, specifically in the Marketing sector. It was desperation and loss of hope I guess. 

After a week of interviews that amounted to nothing, plus growing self disgust at trying to pursue marketing when I knew jack shit, I took up a job that promised to give me only writing roles, aka writing Newsletters and blog posts for the company. I told the boss I knew nothing about marketing so I couldn’t do it and they promised to find someone to handle it.

I went in in the first week of September, including the last few days of August, and in the first 2 days I was given all tasks by the intern before she flew home. afeet that first week, i had chronic diarrhea with bleeding for about 3 weeks to a month.

Now, it’s nearly two months in. We just finished a huge event that took about 3 weeks to prepare which was way too little time. I had to work the entire weekend with no pay.
The body broke down and now I’m home with bloody stools and an anus dripping blood, plus a short fainting spell.

I need out. 

I can feel the depression starting to set in. With a boss that pushes blame, gives tasks last minute, is vague about your projects, your roles, unappreciative, rude and never pays you on time, plus the fact that I truly dislike marketing because I can’t understand how to reach out to people and convince them to buy our products and engage in our services, this is truly shitty.

Sure I get to meet very interesting people in this job and I’ve learnt that I’m great at networking/ PR but the cons outweigh the pros. I’m literally bleeding. 
Wish me all the best, my darling readers, because I’ve got an HR job interview tomorrow. May it go well so I can work no more than 44 hours a week, no weekends, clear job roles and have time to live a life.

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New log

I’ve been eating a ton, bingeing out because I can’t feel full. I want flavours and textures to exist within me, depth and beauty. So I eat, because it’s easier, better.

I’ve put on quite a bit of weight, I feel so heavy. But for once, I’m not disgusted, hurt, angry, sad, at a loss, looking at the double chin or pot belly

Stretch marks on my thighs. They’re fine.

It’s a little annoying not being able to fit into some of my tighter clothes. But I no longer freak out about the possibility of men not wanting me because of my body. I no longer base my worth as a human being on how well I fit into society’s standard of what size I should be.

I have a deal with a guy I’ve been dating casually. From Sunday on, clean eating, exercising every day, no junk food, more water. And at the end of my exams, we’ll need to have reached our individual goal weights and then we’ll go to a water park. Tbh, I still have remnants of wanting to be slim cause it’s “hotter”. Also, I really wanna be able to wear everything in my wardrobe, without worrying about buffalo wing arms, without being unable to zip up, without being unable to pull it off after pulling it on.

There are times when I still have bad days, and I can’t get out bed, where I cry over my ex, where I cancel my plans and flake on friends. It happens, with the BPD and the anxiety flaring and the rage rearing it’s ugly head, the depression weighing the clouds down. But with my medicine, the occasional mediation and yoga, the counselling, the self-awareness, but things are great these days. So so much better. I’m quite happy actually, and I’m excited again these days.

Laughing at shows, intrigued by sculpture class, wanting to take classes after I start work, having two interviews lined up this Monday and Wednesday (wish me luck), meeting up with friends and trusting them, also not feeling guilty and whorish for liking and having sex. Things are nice.

I do have moments of bingeing on food, alcohol, even sleeping pills, but I know I’m strong enough to overcome the impulsivity and lack of self-control.

I’m not excited about the future per se, and I’ve never been the type to be That excited anyways, but I am starting to have plans again, which means that I actually think it’s worth living for.


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