Tag Archives: love

Shifting plates

Swaying with the autumn wind,

Swept about with every gust

Never landing, never settling

So far from her branch

Broken off and now

Drifting along with the torrential tides high

Wave upon wave of uncertainty

Ripples of opinions

So far from the pebbly beach

Withdrawing after each crash

Each crush

Falling past the edge of cliffs

Down the rabbit hole

Through the clouds

Two feet always on shifting plates.

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Fate

Strange thing, fate.

To some, it might be landing that dream job through lending a kind hand to a stranger.
To others, finding a $100 bill on the floor right as they’ve used their last dollar on bills.

Often, it’s magical and like a fairytale. Unbelievable until it happens to you, then you feel the universe aligning just for you.

For me, fate came through for me through a series of events. A long series of friendships, romance, relationships, casual dates, explorations, and self-discovery. With that self-love and acceptance came courage, trust and a willingness to try.

Despite the occasional segue here and there such as hanging out with the wrong guy over 8 months, an uncertain job situation, and a gross undervaluing of the type of love and respect I deserve, the right guy and I are finally stepping in tandem.

I could probably attribute this confusing medley to my blatant disregard of my emotions. After counselling and some medication, it became a habit for me to take my emotions as a lie, to be an exploding whirlpool of obsession and self-sabotage. But when you are unable to bring yourself to end things with someone cause it’s too painful, and you find yourself bawling with pain as you hear him cry, when you would rather pick him than the one who’d been around for 8 months and instead start to work on how to end things with your past (although circumstances, or FATE, allowed for him to leave my present instead), it’s time to accept fate’s hand in your future happiness.

If you find a man who steps into your life and has been nothing but loving, caring, encouraging and excited to learn about, talk to and be with you from day 1, and even as you were almost breaking up, still wanted the best for you, you shouldn’t walk away out of unfounded fears.

But back to Fate.

The main thing is that if you have a blog that barely anyone knows of, and this guy you met on reddit through a Very specific sub-reddit group was actually a loyal reader since 2013, it’s time to stop worrying and fearing, and just accept that you deserve love and someone like him in your life.

You deserve to be with someone who loves you, who makes you happy, and know that you can keep being happy. There’s no need for self-sabotage. Just accept Fate’s hand in your life and go with it, enjoy it and be the best you can be with this man.

 

TLDR; met someone amazing, he turned out to be a reader of my blog since years ago, and I’m so happy I’m no longer with the wrong person, but am instead with someone who actively chose me and fell for me and my written word from years ago.

 

That’s just so beautiful, don’t you think?

Feeling so incredibly honoured to be blessed by Fate’s rare hand.

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In-between love and _____

Softly
En Pointe
Through eggshells,
Glass fragments
Shattered mirror shards.

Quietly pushing
Confrontation
Needle-point in cracks
Faint hairlines engorged

Crackles, thunderous
Silent treatments
Deafening distance
Tormenting anxiety

Haunted mansions in the air,
Pull and push in limbo,
They lived uncommunicative ever after.

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Tactile Surreality.

Passing gradients and swirl dream dyes.

bumps, crackle, white-red sparks
chest expanding lifts,
tippity-top of the brain
rolling eyes.

oxygen widening the tubes
seeping into nubs
tinkling jerks and winces
clench

Smooth rippling tides by gentle lilies.

Self obsession a cure
for redirection
and healthy minds
healthy hearts
healthy lives.

Ease, a belief of connected souls.

snap, crunch, crackle, brittle
seeping, crystals, thick
soft, compact, tough
tender, hurried, curious.

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Loneliness

What is this 

Running alcohol

Of emptiness 

In between my lungs and at the centre of my lower spine.

Coldness appears like the chill unexpected at 4am after a night of tossing in humid Asia.

Mental tears forming and pooling

Empty eyes.

Fear, burrowing, curling. 

Slightest needles of agonising icy spears jabbing incessantly behind and above the breasts

Breathing getting tougher as nostrils seem to tighten and air gets sweeter.

Shrapnel sweetness of air, loneliness pains, clenched muscles in the calves and butt.
Loneliness beyond romantic and platonic friends and partners.

Loneliness in this universe, always expanding never ceasing to stop or slow down and each connection growing steadily further.
God is infinite. Is there and mind proportionate stretch of me between Him as the universe speeds on by?

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Breakups

Crushing loneliness is realising that both of your past relationships began with sex, progressed into romance due to their feeling obligated to your growing love/emotional attachment to them, and ended with the first breaking up on your 8th month saying he was too young to be tied down but has been with his current for 2 years, and the second landing you with depression and anxiety that have not faded 2 years since.

Crushing loneliness and agony is realising you were single for about 3 months between the two relationships, and have been single for 2 years since the last. Many around you are on their way to marriage, have started their careers. While you’re here single, jobless, and lonely.

Crushing loneliness, agony and helplessness is when you have friends who love you and you love back, but you can’t meet cause some days you just can’t bring yourself to be around other people. It’s seeing loving couples and feeling so jealous a disgusting green bitch comes out, playing off as “sassy”. It’s being afraid to start work for equal fear of achievement and failure. It’s sleeping late, waking late, lists that never get fulfilled and projects started but not continued. 

Crushing loneliness, agony, helplessness and frustration is applying to jobs since January, trying out dating apps, avoiding sex and unhealthy emotional relational attachments for 8 months now, going on dating apps, starting 2 creative projects, getting a 3 month freelance job, a test for a potential job, being on the waiting list for the final interview of another potential, and still be clueless. Not knowing why I’m in this state, where I’m supposed to go, what I need to do.

Why I’m not loveable enough to be wooed.
My friend told me to stop thinking about what I can do for someone to love me, but love myself and let whoever deserves me appear when the time is right.

It’s hard when I have control issues, anxiety and depression. When I find it hard to believe I can be loved by someone. Hurt by men, friends or not, with me just a body to so many, and when it was more, dropped because I wasn’t what they wanted me to be, because I couldn’t give them what they needed. They weren’t perfect, but I feel like I wasn’t good enough.

How do I get out of this quicksand, leaving me waist deep with nowhere to go, affixed and trapped? How do I find a job, my passion, my love?

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Mind state.

Desperate for love

Dejection from rejection

Agony from disdain

Sadness with solitude.

People pleasing, pleasure pursuit.

Addiction and impulsiveness.

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Depression as a woman

Imagine feeling empty, sad, hopeless, worthless, directionless and lost.

Anxious and panicky, sensitive to lights, sounds and casual words.

Couple that with monthly intense mood swings, tears that flow easily, body aches and exhaustion, need for sleep throughout the day, aching back and swollen breasts.

Now your emptiness and loneliness is heightened with the consistent flow of blood and unfertilised eggs.

My brain becomes a ticking alarm clock reminding me it’s time for my pill again.

Its choice of alarm tune?

The urge to pop handfuls of pills, to get knock out drunk, to do something, anything to mute the mind and feelings. She doesn’t scream at the back of my mind anymore, but her toxic breath fogs the brain in the meantime.

Up till I take that little pill and go to bed. Things are better when I wake up. But in between, there’s no guarantee what the subconscious will unleash on my sleeping mind.

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Of sweet infatuation.

My darling, my sweet.

There is no one quite like you, with your glistening pink lips, those sparkly brown eyes, your firm warm hands keeping mine safe.

Oh my love, my dearest.

You drive me wild; I can’t help being impulsive around you. A single flicker of a memory and I am yours, in spirit, heart, mind, soul.

You’re a groan towards heaven, a flush of the cheeks, you’re the sweet, drunken swig of wine, that first wisp of petrichor before the storm.

My dearest, my lover, my one and only.

Oh please melt in my arms so we can be closer. Time, distance, age and experiences separate us but with love, yes love, we are two peas, my honey. Kindred spirits oh my Humbert Humbert. 

Take me in, watch over me, lift me, twirl me, caress and pet me, for I am your pet and you my everything. 

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No more. Moving on

I’m tired of downward spirals.

Mental health, physical health and emotional health will only get better from here on. Mistakes made owned up to, laziness acknowledged and just a whole lot more personal responsibility taken for the shit I do. 

That includes accepting the things I did not do and to love myself consistently, beyond mistake made and mistakes done to me. 

The planets are aligned to allow for self-realisation. All around me couples are ending their old commitments, as are people to themselves. They’re looking out for their own hearts, souls and future by sifting through the past.

I sifted through mine and found my heart still broken, found that behind the anger and hurt and bitterness was the young, innocent, fragile girl broken by the attention her body and energy attracted, broken by separating heart and body, love and sex. The one person she started to give her heart to smashed it to smithereens. He was unavailable and she took it, unable to believe that she could be wanted. She believed she was wanted and dreamed big until he revealed the lies he told through shared dreams and hopes and love.

That girl made an appearance again today when she thought of the boy she rejected for her first boyfriend, the one who she met at a time in her life when she was most detached from her heart, but told him she felt detached from him. The boy who loved so quickly she couldn’t accept it because she couldn’t love herself. And then she learnt that she could, but lost it again when she found out 8 months with her first love was all a lie.

If you’re reading this, Bug, I hope you know how sorry I am for hurting you. And I hope I’ll be able to say I’m sorry for what you had to experience rather than the apology I gave long ago that was simply a pity-party. 

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