Tag Archives: reflection

Loneliness

What is this 

Running alcohol

Of emptiness 

In between my lungs and at the centre of my lower spine.

Coldness appears like the chill unexpected at 4am after a night of tossing in humid Asia.

Mental tears forming and pooling

Empty eyes.

Fear, burrowing, curling. 

Slightest needles of agonising icy spears jabbing incessantly behind and above the breasts

Breathing getting tougher as nostrils seem to tighten and air gets sweeter.

Shrapnel sweetness of air, loneliness pains, clenched muscles in the calves and butt.
Loneliness beyond romantic and platonic friends and partners.

Loneliness in this universe, always expanding never ceasing to stop or slow down and each connection growing steadily further.
God is infinite. Is there and mind proportionate stretch of me between Him as the universe speeds on by?

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Before and Now

Things are louder now.

Brighter. 

My ears hurt more; winces are common and confrontations make me curl up.

But the head is occasionally quiet, the screaming at the back no longer around. She must have moved on.

Back then, the emotions are greater, stronger, filling me up like nuclear explosions. Toxic yet captivating. It’s muted now.

Back then I felt more, touched more, connected and fell more. Believed more. There’s the cynic now, squinting away at the brightness of the present.

It was an explosion back then, loud and always expanding, never ending reaches and I felt reckless with how far my emotions spread. Now I see the barriers, I feel the control and the careful, logical constrains. 

Respond, not react.

But am I still me?

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Falling back

Since 5th July, I’ve been down and out. Falling back into cruel depressed routine. Must be cause I’ve stopped taking fluoxetine for about a month and the long half-life pills can’t help me out after a month long hiatus. 

Waiting for a job offer, waiting for graduation. The ceremony is on the 27th but I’m torn between wanting everyone I love to be there, and not going at all. My best friend won’t be able to make it because she’s in Malaysia. I don’t have enough tickets for my sister and her family to come. I don’t really have that many close friends to invite, plus those that I do have are working adults and the ceremony is on a Wednesday. 

If I start work before the 27th, will I have to go back to the office? I wonder if I will be celebrating after the ceremony. If I will take pictures of course mates. I don’t even want to see anyone. 

I so desperately want to be in love and be in comfortable togetherness but my need to have someone else fix my problems and make me feel better constantly is toxic, for both parties. Until I can control my problems better, through medicine and counselling or other means, I shouldn’t date nor even allow myself to fall in love.

But how do you control your heart without losing the ability to love fully? Need my magical pills again.

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Complex minds

Our brain is deep and complex with the Id, Ego and Superego
Childhood traumas
Awkward pubescent periods
mind soul religious debates

It isn’t always that complex though.

Jungian theories aren’t mean to be analysed every single day.
Psychoanalysing your behaviour every 5 mins is preposterous.
Digging into your past with a cotton bud of “awareness” is bull.

Sometimes,
being angry because your mom said something
factual
made you upset
cause you expect her to say something else/
didn’t expect her to say that at this moment/
simply because it was not too nice.

Don’t bother going back 20 years for the moment
Daddy wasn’t around
and Mommy was holding your sister
While you sat alone playing with Barbie.

Right now you are upset
cause you are upset.
Breathe.
Respond when you’re clear-headed.
Breathe.
Reacting is not what you want to say/do.
Breathe.
Your emotions are real right now.
Breathe.

But you can choose to take
A Step Back
Breathe
And Respond in the manner you wish to.

Being Yourself means being who you want to be,
the best you
the you not swayed by reactionary emotions.
It’s real and a part of you,
but it ain’t necessarily You.

I hope you understand.

It isn’t too complex.

 

Just breathe.

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Looking out for Number 1

Yes, the rape was not your fault.
You weren’t asking for it.
You were drinking
You were having fun
You did not deserve to be raped.

Yes, the molest was not your fault.
You didn’t ask for it.
You were drunk
You trusted your friend
You did not deserve to be molested.

But, my love
The world is a cruel place.
Your friends won’t always be there
They might not see the drinks as your crutch
They might not see your cry for help
They might wave you off as vicarious and wild

And, my love
People are cruel creatures
Where No means Yes
And trust is but a tool for abuse

So ignore those who tell you
“You should stop drinking”
“You shouldn’t trust guys so easily”
“Don’t drink so much next time”
“Don’t go out drinking in unknown places with unknown people”

But you should take care of yourself.
Because at the end of the day,
The world is a cruel place
Filled with cruel creatures
And no one is around to watch out for you

Only you can care for you.

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And so…

And so it begins,
my journey to moving on.

And so it begins,
dark clouds releasing the weight of months and memories,
sleep retaliating
and waves of wishing, washing over decisions made with intentions to escape.

And so,
one day at a time,
present moment; today; the here and now
and so

Guilt but hurt
lashing and stretching, pulling
out beyond the paranoia and need for

and so and
we becomes a me
again but now
though 3 years is too long
better than eternity

and so it goes on
a day or 365
individual.
Blossom, Expand, Mature
but better always better, have to be better

Future of course, and so
talk to professionals
be un-addicted
no blaming no victimising
only human but that doesn’t negate hurts caused

And so,
Life goes on, clearly.
To me to you though no longer an us
but the days where there was a We and there were no tears
are cherished.

Wipe the stains away
try to push back the guilt and hurts
grow up go on,
neither of us were the only ones to blame
and guilty/guiltless states
are okay.

And so,
I’ll be okay.

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Late night thoughts

When I think about being a God-fearing Christian, or just the concept of fearing God, whom has be perpetuated as this fluffy cuddly God from the new testament on, and in a lot of evangelical churches, I find it hard to fear him. But then I look to nature, where we find the most calming, soothing, beautiful, nurturing environments around, in which we go to escape even the clutters of our minds. The same nature where beautifully terrifying storms and earthquakes and tsunamis and lightning and diseases and mutations and the circle of life occurs. And I both fear and adore nature with such an intensity, such a perfect balance which I put no blame on for the fear it sometimes strikes in my heart, because it’s perfect balance and synchronisation, and even in its unpredictability, it still makes some sort of sense. That’s what I get when I think about the God I should both fear and love. Not in the he’s cruel and just wants to kill us all way, not in the he just wants us to live super happy lives. But in the essence of the complexity yet simplicity of nature.

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Existential Psalms.

This earth has nothing I desire but You.
I breathe for You; You are my breath.
Neither silver nor gold, for they are Yours
just as my life, my heart, belongs to You.

My pains, my cries
my tears, a bottle.
I weep, I die,
a hundred different deaths,
before living pure and new again.

Infinite previous deaths,
flushing out the old and in with the new,
an equally infinite future of lives,
no control, just surrendering
to the perfection of Christ.

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