Tag Archives: reflections

Understanding my fear of abandonment

Let’s break it down.

Fear of abandonment.
Afraid to be left behind, to be left alone, to be alone.
To be ignored.
Fear of neglect, silence, disregard.

Fear of a lack of care and concern.
Fear that I am unloved and unwanted.
Fear that I am not worth

attention
attraction
affection

Panic sets in with a fog of fury,
rage and discontent,
outrage and offence,
disbelief and shock.

Worry and anxiety
leading to a need for control
to “get them back”

win them back

their attention and attraction back
putting me once again at number one,
the only one,
nothing should precede me and what I mean to them.

Clingy, desperate, eager to please
yes yes yes to everything just to get a positive response,
to know I am wanted and desired again.
With that, I am therefore kept.

I won’t be alone and tossed aside and made worthless,
useless,
not worth time and effort or love.

Nothing else matters but them behaving as I wish them to be,
or even just how they were talking to me a couple minutes ago.
Even if I was the reason for the change in tone

because I suggested we slow things down
and they just leave me because I don’t want them

and they oblige instead of disagreeing and fighting for me

if they Do fight for me, they appear clingy and I get disgusted.

Ironic.

But when I do it, it’s the only thing that I can do. I can’t focus on anything else but trying to “get them back” and get things back to how they were, to being wanted and loved, to having them text me.

I don’t care that it’s 2am now compared to the 7pm then. That they have work tomorrow or are busy right now, even if they are showering. If they aren’t replying, that means they don’t want me anymore and they might even hate me and are going to ignore me and give me the silent treatment and pretend I do not exist.

 

 

My mom gives me the silent treatment and pretends I don’t exist when she’s angry at me.

When I do something wrong, my parents tell me what a disappointment I am, that their years of bringing me up was for nothing because I ended up like this. It was a waste of their time and effort raising me up, useless to have done anything to have loved me.

They said cruel things like I am the worst child, that I am nothing if my mother dies, that they won’t care if I live or die and I can go and die for all they care.

When they get angry at me, I feel like the worst, cruelest human being on earth, that I don’t deserve to have lived and I am evil. Ungrateful, evil, worthless, not worth being looked at or talked to, mentioned by name or acknowledged as a living being. I become nothing. Ranted about in the third person behind closed doors but with loud petty voice who intend for me to hear everything, yet not worth the effort nor for my existence to be acknowledged by even talking about me in front of me and having me be seen.

 

I would watch as they argued and my dad would blame my mom saying she was at fault for everything, while she told him how useless he was.

I listened and took it in too, because it would be used on me too, the same words. Taught not to get a man like my father, here are all the things NOT to get in a man. Anyone who looked at me and called me beautiful and took what I told them, repackaged and gave it back to me, paid me a smidge of attention, was worth my world. Sad.

I accepted these guys though I knew they weren’t good people or healthy for me because I accepted that my worth was that of being second choice. Never first. That’s why all the married men. Justifying with open marriages is but a weak way to assert my false self-worth to stubborn ol’ me. That’s why till now, part of me thinks that my exes’ breaking up with me because I wasn’t worth being the only one when he was still so young, and not talking to me for a whole week (radio silences) because studies > talking to me, which he felt were tedious like updating his life to a jail warden, are somehow justified.

Why should I be afraid to have them not text back or initiate conversations, to have other people in their lives that aren’t me, or not prioritize me over every and anything. That’s so needy. So dependent. I am worth so so much more.

It’s just not apparent enough to myself just how much I’m worth though.

 

Gotta fix the two of them. Self-worth tied to fear of abandonment, and I have to work on them or I will fall forever into this tar pit of murky, cloying desperation and fear, neediness and full-blown panic attacks, extreme behaviours and controlling habits.

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December

It’s the day after my birthday.

No expectations were had and thus I had probably one of the best birthdays ever. Went to the botanical gardens with my ex colleagues and drank mojito, ates chips, talked (read: screamed) about sex and overall just had a ton of fun.

Went for dinner with them then came home and slept.

It’s been an interesting December.

After 3 months as the content marketing manager and PR manager at a wee startup with a boss who doesn’t know how to run or talk business, nitpicks and is incredibly rude, we find out he didn’t get the investment he’d promise would come in; that that was the only investment the company was banking everything on; that our boss got a new investment late in November and decided thus to reject an offer by a shareholder to take up over 40% of the shares where in return they would hire us all and pay off all his debt. Thus, I lost my job. And haven’t been paid for the last 2 months.

But, I’m waiting to hear from CAAS about the ATCO position, which I really really want because unlike marketing, it makes sense. I’m not manipulating people to buy something that they didn’t necessarily want. I’m helping land planes and make sure planes take off safely, ensuring people get to their families and loved ones all around the world. 

It’s interesting also because I think I’ve grown up quite a bit in the past 3 months. With my focus on growing my career, I’m no longer hung up on the need for “love”, or rather Attention. In this period of waiting, I’m bored and thus downloaded tinder, but now I’m bored of it too cause unlike the past, I no longer need the attention to feel worthy. I know I am. Working gave me that confidence when I saw my ability to grow and take on challenges in 3 months, and I saw my natural talkative self blossom in PR and networking and business development. It was fascinating, confidence building and so very encouraging.

I’ve also cut down on my pills, down to 1 every 4 days and my mood isn’t actually bad between those 4 days. The weight gain with these pills are a little crazy tho, so I’ve been focusing more on my diet. But this lazy girl ain’t working out like she should, so there’s that to work on.

Got a freelance writing job so at least I’ll have some disposable income until I get the job offer and confirmation, up till February when work begins.

I haven’t written in a while. Maybe I’m too bored but there’s nothing for me to really write about. Nothing seeking escape via dreams or words. 

I do miss writing though, so perhaps I’ll start a mini challenge of writing everyday till Christmas day. 

Hope everyone is doing well this festive season, and that y’all are surrounded by loved ones and loving ones.

Lotsa love, Aziel

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Before and Now

Things are louder now.

Brighter. 

My ears hurt more; winces are common and confrontations make me curl up.

But the head is occasionally quiet, the screaming at the back no longer around. She must have moved on.

Back then, the emotions are greater, stronger, filling me up like nuclear explosions. Toxic yet captivating. It’s muted now.

Back then I felt more, touched more, connected and fell more. Believed more. There’s the cynic now, squinting away at the brightness of the present.

It was an explosion back then, loud and always expanding, never ending reaches and I felt reckless with how far my emotions spread. Now I see the barriers, I feel the control and the careful, logical constrains. 

Respond, not react.

But am I still me?

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Of love, rain and expanding thoughts

It’s dark out, the world is dark and
falling deeper within itself –
imploding
– withdrawn and quiet.
Still.

Listening to a playlist
my friend made for her heart
finally clean finally healing,
listening to the pitter patter
of rain and jingles
of chimes and then –
Silence.

I hear my heart creaking with the
hairline cracks brushing against each other.
Love piling up and expanding out,
this tiny heart can’t control the
exploding wrath of emotions
that threaten to take over and take leave
of my sense.

It’s been so long since the world was
dark
and I so bright
so bright it
blinds –
and the beauty of my pain
from loving so hard but not too hard
is rewarding –
but I still see, clearer than before.

Beyond the darkness of the world
and of hardened experiences
and thickened skins
and crackling lips
and porcelain hips and fingers
and hips and
chained up, boxed up hearts.

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