Tag Archives: tears

Heartbreak

I’ve had many failed loves
Whether relationships that ended
Or one-sided infatuations coming to an end.

With each of their demise came the tears.

You know the kind I’m talking about:

Snot-filled
Puffy eyes
Cracked voice
maybe a little bit of drooling

But even after my first boyfriend told me he never really loved me
Or after my best friend of 8 years broke off our newly-founded romantic relations
Not one of them broke my heart as much as my mom could, and still can.

Just one single argument
(that escalates into a screaming match
paired with passive aggressive screeches of my ungratefulness
unfilial-ness
rudeness
and how undeserving I am of their love and brought up)

leaves me crying so hard I’m left
voiceless
eyes burning with tears long evaporated into salt
lungs splitting apart after heavy heavings
(perhaps even a panic attack as I hyperventilate)
muscles cramping from curling into a ball
as I try to keep my shattered heart together and make it whole again

before I come crawling into her arms
begging for her forgiveness and her love again
praying she’ll take me into her embrace
tell me she still loves me
wants me
pet my head and make all the bad feels go away

I make do with the anger in her voice
and the look of disgust on her face
as she holds me
and tells me Okay lah stop crying already!
Stupid girl, cry so hard until like that.
Who asked you to be so rude, huh?

And I cry like a baby
who just got her first bruise
relieved by a mother’s touch and presence
and cries louder simply from the ease of knowing mother’s here
that I am now safe.

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Jesus wept

two words

Jesus wept

I wept
I am weeping
the beauty of music is its ability to

shock our soul into
recognition of mortality

connection, flimsy contact

shaking and trembling
tears dripping
heart breaking

stiff and agonising realisation
mortal prison of flesh
the soul she cries

for she can not escape and mingle with her fragments
swirling with the universe

trapped shard in meaningless structures
false identities and constructs.

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So this is what it’s like.

So this is what it’s like
to try and move on.

Healthily at least, to move on
without the sex and alcohol,
without the dates and multiple men,
without the denial until the heart falls for another.

So this is what it’s like
to be friends with your ex.

The ex you still love fervently
and can’t spend a day without texting,
and wish to know that they’re eating well and hydrating well and sleeping well
and can’t help but to slip in virtual hugs every once in a while.

So this is what it’s like
to cry every night.

3 months on and still feeling searing pain
heartbreak and longing mixed in a swirling
mess of lust and hurt
“horny and sad” as you yourself put it.

So this is what it’s like
to try and be an adult.

To know that there will be a next one;
that this is not the end of love in life;
that one day I’ll settle down with someone else;
to know it while accepting the emotions rather than suppressing.

But right now, with tears falling since 3 weeks ago,
and a whole week of agony and insomnia,
I can’t let you go, I can’t move on
I don’t want to believe that you no longer want me
or want to be with me.
And with this hopeless wish for us to start anew
I melt into a wider mass/mess.

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